Ask Piranhamous Anything

Here is this week’s installment of “Ask Piranhamous Anything.”  If you have a question you’d like “snarked to death,” send it to This isn’t an advice column. Piranhamous doesn’t know what the hell you should do with your life any more than you do — and worse, he doesn’t care. Try to keep your questions short — we want to keep this fun, simple, funny and insightful.

What is your favorite part of Politico Live?

Not watching it. Why? Because I have a television…and a life. The idea of watching a bunch of print journalists, who barely choke their way through a 5-minute TV hit (most of them work in the print medium for a reason), for hours on end is about as appealing as putting a spy-cam in their gym locker room. Besides, actually watching it would be like pulling the curtain back on Betsy’s tweets about it (this tie looks horrible, this guy said something stupid) and exposing the wizard as a total nerd. On this, I’d rather live in Fantasyland.

Why Do Good Media Relationships like Dana Bash and John King Go Bad?

Why do they go bad? When do they go good? Journalists have egos, huge egos. They only thing most of these people love more than themselves is themselves. When no one can love you as much as you love yourself, your relationship is naturally going to be strained. The only way a relationship of media types can last is if one isn’t on camera or one, like James Carville, who is so freaky looking and weird that even he can’t fool himself into thinking he’s God’s gift to himself. But when you have a staff of 20 whose only reason for existing is to tell you how great you are, you aren’t very compatible with someone who has a similar sized staff who yells at you for leaving the toilet seat up.

F, Marry, Kill?…  Meghan McCain, Chelsea Clinton, Jenna Bush

I find this question horribly, horribly sexist. Now that we’ve gotten the legal disclaimer out of the way, I’ll happily answer this easy question. F – Jenna Bush. While she’s settled down into a normal, happy life, she used to like to party. I could’ve gotten her drunk enough to pass out and just tell her we did it. Bullet dodged. Marry – Chelsea Clinton. She’s got that Clinton money that makes Bush money look like my money. Plus, there’s something about her past that leads me to believe she might be receptive to an open relationship, I just can’t put my finger on what. Kill – Meghan McCain. While I certainly don’t wish Meghan any ill, aside from a career death, there’s simply no way on Earth I’d ever want to F or Marry someone who would fulfill the same purpose but has a lower IQ than a flashlight.

How would you have handled walking into a bookstore and seeing your book not prominently featured, a la David Corn?

By not being a douchebag. David Corn is one of those journalists more famous for longevity than accomplishment. Quick, name a big David Corn story. You can’t. He’s all Bernstein, no Woodward. You shouldn’t be taken seriously as a journalist or author if you’re work consists of adding 1000 words to press releases. Corn is a hack. There’s a reason he’s worked his way down the ladder of respectable publications, and it’s not ability. The next stop for him after Mother Jones is Washingtonian, then Lyndon LaRouche handouts.

Publish date: March 23, 2012 © 2020 Adweek, LLC. - All Rights Reserved and NOT FOR REPRINT