Ask Piranhamous Anything

Today we start a new feature: “Ask Piranhamous Anything.” And we do mean anything. Send your queries to This isn’t an advice column — Piranhamous doesn’t know what the hell you should do with your life any more than you do — and worse, he doesn’t care. Try to keep your questions short — we want to keep this fun, simple, funny and insightful.

Why Does Ezra Klein seem so smug on TV? Because he is. Smugness isn’t like weight, the camera doesn’t add 10 douchebag points. All the camera does is expose it. You can’t really expect much more from someone who is treated like the Golden Child simply because…actually, he hasn’t done anything to mock to add to this mocking.

Why does Gretchen Carlson on Fox & Friends always wear such short skirts and dresses? She does? Honestly, I hadn’t noticed. My eyes are usually drawn to her giant hair. I keep looking for the ropes and the balloon wranglers from the Thanksgiving Day Parade. I haven’t spotted them yet, but I still believe they’re there somewhere. If she does wear short skirts and dresses I’d guess it’s because she’s not nice stems. You’d be hard-pressed to find a former Miss America with varicose veins and cankles. Unfortunately, you’d also be hard-pressed to find one with hair smaller than the size of a zip code.