Hairy Pitch of the Day: The Stache Act (as in Mustache)

You know it’s a fantastic day in journalism when the American Mustache Institute comes calling. This afternoon they sent us a pitch about the Stache Act, a bill they say is being spearheaded by the mustachioed Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-Md.). The Institute claims that he plans to propose to the House Ways and Means Committee. The gist is that mustache maintenance should be tax deductible. According to the Institute’s website, if adopted by Congress, the STACHE Act would provide up to a $250 annual tax refund for Mustached Americans. We’ve called and emailed Bartlett’s office for more details and to confirm the congressman’s alleged seriousness on the matter.

Favorite line of the pitch: “As you probably know, last week on the west lawn of the U.S. Capitol, the American Mustache Institute launched its Million Mustache March.” Actually, we didn’t know. But we’re ecstatic to learn about such a march.

The AMI (which stands for American Mustache Institute, but say “AMI” for a more insidery effect) lists guidelines for anyone wishing  to support their cause. To pledge support they ask that you do the following..Favorite line: “Continue my mustache growth in the extremely rare case that it causes significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large.” The AMI disclaimer about how mustache aficionados wear them at their own risk is also incredible. They bear no responsibility for mustaches that make men look like child molesters. See that after the jump…UPDATE from Bartlett’s office after the jump…

As a supporter of the American Mustache Institute, I pledge to:

  • Lobby the administration of President Barack Obama, asking him to grow a mustache during his first term to demonstrate solidarity with people of Mustached American descent.
  • Applaud any Mustached American as they walk past me on the street.
  • Castigate clean shaven mortals and remind them that their bare-lipped appearance is a sign of weakness and communism.
  • Dislike all things associated with Dave Navarro.
  • Continue my mustache growth in the extremely rare case that it causes significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large.
  • Never own a cat or watch “Sex And The City.”
  • Distrust clean-shaven officers of the law, and if approached by a mustache-free constable, dial 911 and proceed to a nearby police station, where a squadron of heavily mustached officers will greet me with open arms.
  • Consider the environment before shaving my mustache.
  • Never forget that every time a mustache is shaved an angel in heaven dies and falls to earth.

AMI Disclaimer: AMI supports healthy, performance enhancing-free mustaches that contain no pesticides. While the vast majority of mustache wearers have highly positive responses from friends, exotic dancers and grade school teachers, mustaches should be worn at your own risk, understanding that AMI is not responsible for mustaches that make men look like child molesters or Dave Navarro. Wearing a “Dictator” mustache may lead to repeated beatings, and women are encouraged to avoid wearing mustaches if looking for male companionship or hoping to find employment outside of waste collection. If a mustache causes you to have an erection for more than four hours, seek immediate attention from a doctor, spouse, girlfriend, or Dave Navarro. In extremely rare cases, mustaches may cause significant decreases in sexual activity, friendships, and approval by society at large. Consult a physician before exploring your personal mustache capabilities, as premature mustache growth may lead to feelings of despair and depression.

Update from Bartlett Spokeswoman Lisa Wright:

Wright, Congressman Roscoe Bartlett’s press secretary, surmised that the Moustache Institute approached  Congressman Bartlett because Congressman Bartlett was interviewed by WTOP reporter Paul Shinkman as part of his MOVEMBER 2011 effort to grow a moustache in honor of his late father. MOVEMBER is an annual philanthropic drive to raise funds towards mens’ health research and treatment.  Congressman Bartlett is a cancer survivor.  He also earned Master’s and Doctorate degrees at the University of Maryland, College Park.  In fact, he was hired as a full-time faculty member instructor while he worked toward his doctorate.  Subsequently, Congressman Bartlett conducted basic research at NIH and taught human physiology to nursing students at Frederick Community College and medical students at Howard University and Loma Linda University.  Congressman Bartlett was also the first Director of Space Life Sciences at the Johns Hopkins University-Applied Physics Lab (JHU-APL) Congressman Bartlett was awarded 20 patents, 19 of them Navy patents, for his inventions of life support respiratory equipment used by astronauts, pilots and rescue workers.

Ms. Wright referred the Moustache Institute’s tax proposal to the House Ways and Means Committee which has jurisdiction over tax legislation.